Ugh. I choose to write because I am sitting at my computer and my insides are freaking out. Losing it. My heart is beating a million miles a minute for no apparent reason.
So I choose to write because my running shoes seem to have cement blocks stuck to the bottom of them, so this is the next best form of release.
Well hmmm where to start, I haven't written since May because, well, hmmm I guess my life has been somewhat boring, happy, and nothing to really write about. Also everyone that I want to write about reads my blog so... ugh I can't delve into dirty details.
I always know I am in a bad place when I want to start by saying I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE I AM RAISING A CHILD ON MY OWN. How in the world did this happen and why the fu%k is it still happening. I feel like I am no longer able to take on so much, I can't take on any one else's problems, what about my own problems??? I want to talk about me for a second. I am feeling absolutely overwhelmed. I am just wondering how no one ever told me just how hard life can really get. How hard raising a child can really be. Actually I take that back. Raising Luca is honestly a piece of cake. Day to day business is completely natural to me. Being a mom is like second nature, I don't hesitate to say if that was my only job in life I would not be having a mental breakdown ever .25 seconds. For the life of me I cannot figure out how to find a balance. It's not that I can't find enough time in the day to do all the things on my list, because I am guilty of a (are you dead) couch nap on my break in the middle of a school day. When I feel overwhelmed I have this disease where I just throw everything down and say to myself eff this what is the point. I mine as well get take-out have a bath and fall asleep with Luca at 7:00 and forget the world is outside her bedroom door.
My ramblings haven't changed that is for damn sure.
Luca is honestly a angel sent from the heavens. K- don't get me wrong I realize most of all mothers speak this way about there children. But seriously!!!!!! On a daily basis people stop us on the street with some sort of amazing comment about her. UGH just an angel. Definitely the most easiest thing in my life. This girl is the absolute light of my life.
"Mom, I am going to see Santa and I am taking your car."
I tell you something- I never knew how hard and how stressful school was. I guess the reason for this is I never actually went to school. Literally. I passed high school with flying D's. So you can imagine how hard my schooling career is at this point. The amount of discipline it takes to study when I get home from a crazy day of school or work is absolutely insane. We walk in the door (99% of the time carrying 230480279272084092834 million things) Luca always walks in front of me to... SO SLOW. It's either in front of me or behind me, and if she is behind me she is tugging on an article of my clothing, making it slower for me to move in a timely manner. We need to move FAST Luca, I have to make dinner, give you a bath, read you a million books, scratch your back, rub your face, sing you "I love You You Love Me Were a Happy Family" at least 3 times then- finally when you fall asleep after telling me you have to go pee for the third time, or your thirsty, or your hot, cold, want different jammies. Now I must make our lunches for tomorrow. Oh yayyyyyyy finally I have 5 seconds to myself. Oh wait no, I have to pool data to explain why red blood cells hemolysis in a liquid that has low tonicity of Sodium Chloride. OH GOD KILL ME NOW.
Once again I haven't taken a breath the entire time i've been writing...
All that being said, I truly love what I am studying, my anxiety is just through the roof trying to get good grades and not being a robot mother at the same time.
I am leaving this blank till I have 7 weeks to update correctly.
I am working more this winter than I have before on my own with Luca while going to school. We will see how it goes, for now I enjoy being there. It takes my mind off of everyday tasks, and I get to do what I do best-make people happy.
I know this post may sound ridden with anxiety and negativity. I am fine it just feels so good to write it all down in one place.
*I can't edit this post I hope its not too painful