Monday, December 3, 2012

Can I get out on Bail?

No ma'am. You- Jenna E. Alphenaar, are sentenced to life for falling in love with a cheating douchbag.
But sir... can't I run away to a far away place and start a new life?
Ma'am, if you so choose, but I can guarantee, one day your beautiful princess, fatherless child will resent and blame you for choosing to leave her fatherless.
Ok, ok, ok judge... I will take the life sentence of sharing Birthdays, Christmas', fighting, crying, hating and, loving this man.

It's fucked up the way the world works. The day I decided to have a child with this man is the day I gave my self a life sentence to caring for his soul. It's really terrible actually. Some days I find myself wondering if he's eating ok, drinking too much, or lately, if there will be any presents under his tree. I am thinking slash hoping this will fade (it already has lots) into nothing. Into oblivion. I don't love him the same I did two years ago (obviously), but I do care for him. You may think to yourself... Wow, I cannot believe she isn't over him yet?!?!?... Amazingly enough, I have experienced true, raw, deep, deep love for another man, and he was that man. Unfortunately, he is the father of my child so I am forced to text, talk, or see him every single day for the rest of my life. That is if he makes the decision to carry on in Luca's life. I have absolutely no trust in anything he says, I go on a daily basis believing what he says by his actions. So far, not so good. I am allowed to talk of him this way. The reason I am aloud is because I know the better him. The best of him. Ryan, not r.a.w, was the best person I have ever met. He is no longer that person. His rebuttal to that would be, "Jenna, you don't know me anymore, how could you possibly know anything about me?" It's very simple, his eyes. His eyes are empty. The have been empty ever since the day he left my and Luca's house. They fill when he sees Luca, but it's only momentarily.
The ironic thing is, so far he has had the upper hand. He is the one who fell out of love and moved on with a new flame. He's the one whom lives the life of independency. He only has to get up one day a week at 6:00 am with his child. Yes he pays my bills, but we all know that's easy enough. I am the one that was left as a single, poor mother. I was left to pick up the eighty- thousand- million- bajillion puzzle pieces and put them back together again. The irony falls in that my eyes are full. They are full of dreams, love, hope and ability. I have the ability to do anything I want to do. The only reason why I have that ability, is because he left.

"Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"

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