Thursday, December 27, 2012

Merry Christmas?

Whether its my grandpa, mother, guy I slept with the night before, r.a.w., my teacher, or boss; I try not to let who is reading my blog waver the way I write, or what I write about. I could have chosen to write anonymously, but who knew my blog would turn into something beyond a personal journal of my travels with Luca. A few of my single mommy friends have blogs that they write and attach no name to it. They write about things that I could never ever write about. These are what we call secret blogs. Yes, that beautiful mom with her perfect hair and shoes sitting next to you on the bus just had a one night stand with a married man. After she read 4 books, bathed and fed her baby a bottle, she wrote an entry with every single dirty dirty detail. The size, the shape, the smell, the kiss, the number exchange, the text messages. All the secrets. I was welcomed with open arms when I became a single mother. It's like an omish community, but the complete opposite. If you haven't been a single mother you can't begin to imagine what goes on. I think of myself as a well respected woman. I dress nice, I am an outstanding mother, good student, and one day I will be a registered nurse. But oh boy I can get into some maj trouble when Luca is having an overnighter. I walk out the house and all the sudden I am not who I was when I was inside the house. That being said, I never wished for this. I never ever thought this would be my life. Instead of being guilty about it, I am proud of the beautiful, powerful woman I am. Some where in history, society made mothers feel like if we did anything besides mother we should be shunned. Sometimes when I'm out and I've had a few more glasses of wine than I should have (or 8 billion shots of Jamisons) I think to myself... JENNA how dare you...YOU are a MOTHER. Then I remember that my daughter is safe- nuzzled up to her daddy in a warm, comfy, nice house. I deserve to do all the fun things I have done in the last two years. My biggest pet peeve is when a friend ask's "Do you have Luca tonight?" OF COURSE i have Luca you asshole, she is my CHILD.
Please note: I do not sleep with married men; that woman next to you on the bus is not me.

Ok I must do a Christmas update. This time last year Luca and I were swimming with the turtles in Costa Rica, Christmas was the last thing on my mind. Quite frankly it did not exist. This year was the opposite. My spirit was back and I was ready for whatever came to me emotionally and interestingly enough physically. I invited r.a.w. over to share our daughter's joy on Christmas morning. We planned on it for weeks. Half of my family lives in northern b.c. My mom (like an angel), Ty, and I boycotted Christmas up there this year so that Ryan could have a chance to see Luca on the special day. My mom spend the morning by herself instead of waking up with Luca so that she wouldn't make r.a.w. feel any sort of uncomfortableness. We had planned on meeting her in the afternoon for brunch. We woke up to a living room full of presents from Santa, it was so magical. We moved very slowly in hopes that r.a.w. would soon arrive to join in on the magic. Text after text and no reply. Nothing. No call. No text. No knock on the door. He. just. never. showed. up. (My palms are so sweaty writing this.) If I have a stroke someday I guess you'll all know who to blame. Trying to pull myself together, I called my mom and told her about the no show. You know when you chin starts to go and you can't stop it and the maj cry is about to explode through your blood cells? This is what was happening to me on this supposed to be "oh so magical day." Once again he ruined something. For the 6 billionth time he ruined everything. Thankfully Luca is too young to really understand that her father slept in till 1:00 p.m. on Christmas day instead of spending it with her. Soon enough it will be her calling to tell him he is a piece of dog shit. Maybe when that day comes, he'll actually start to believe it and change it.
"What are you talking about Jenna, my phone died, stop being so mean." "YOUR PHONE DIED? GO EAT SHIT." The "phone died" excuse is laughable at this point. Get a new phone, get a new life, get a new brain you dumb-ass. I thought it couldn't be possible to feel a hurt stronger than the hurt I felt when he left me for another woman. Oh was I wrong. The hurt of him not showing up on Christmas morning for his daughter is a kind of hurt that I never knew existed in my bones. It's the throwing up feeling. It's the I want to run my foot over with a lawn mower feeling. It's the I am going to break into his house at night and light his head on fire with a blow torch "Home Alone" stylez.
Whoah- I just held my breath for that whole paragraph. -So dizzy.
We packed our things and headed for brunch with my grandma, brother, and mom. I couldn't stop drinking champagne. Seeing my mom rescued my drowning feelings a bit, but I still felt terrible. We went back to my her cabin, opened more presents, and had a wonderful dinner with some close point bob friends.
The events that happened later that peculiar Christmas night, completely healed all the terrible feelings that r.a.w. had given me earlier that day. I would like to thank the person whom was involved with what happened that that night, too bad I can't. Nor can I write about it.
At least I am refreshed and ready to start a New Year. 





Obsessed with this lipstick at the mo. Ruby Woo by MAC.



I wonder where this girl gets her drama from?



"cheeeeeseeeeee"


Monday, December 10, 2012

Indulge yourself into my life.


Just a little bridge in my kitchen

My new lover: Coffee



meow

I am aware of the spelling.
I found this the other day when I was cleaning.

Love this.

L. Rosin cleanin ma fridge. Blood. Sweat. Tears. Friendship.

Kapow doing my math homework. Thanks gr.

Wow
Children's book author?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Reflecting

One year ago today I started blogging. We were leaving for our trip 10 days from today, 1 year ago. I was so full of anticipation I was sick to my stomach. It's so interesting to read my first few posts and see how far I have come along as a writer, person, and mother. I have learnt more about myself this year then I think I ever will. I am so thankful to my friend Mama in the City for inspiring me to start writing, blogging has truly changed my life. I have received numerous e-mails from people all over the world who have been affected by my writing, mostly single moms who literally google 'solo mom', my blog pops up they start reading and realize they are not alone. It's so inspiring knowing that my pain, heartache, and my ability to carry on as a woman and a mother over the past year has touched others, even people in Russia?!??!?!? 
I will make a book out of this and give it to Luca for her 18th birthday in hopes that she will grow up to be a strong woman just like her mommy. Thank you for reading everybody. Loves.








Monday, December 3, 2012

Can I get out on Bail?

No ma'am. You- Jenna E. Alphenaar, are sentenced to life for falling in love with a cheating douchbag.
But sir... can't I run away to a far away place and start a new life?
Ma'am, if you so choose, but I can guarantee, one day your beautiful princess, fatherless child will resent and blame you for choosing to leave her fatherless.
Ok, ok, ok judge... I will take the life sentence of sharing Birthdays, Christmas', fighting, crying, hating and, loving this man.

It's fucked up the way the world works. The day I decided to have a child with this man is the day I gave my self a life sentence to caring for his soul. It's really terrible actually. Some days I find myself wondering if he's eating ok, drinking too much, or lately, if there will be any presents under his tree. I am thinking slash hoping this will fade (it already has lots) into nothing. Into oblivion. I don't love him the same I did two years ago (obviously), but I do care for him. You may think to yourself... Wow, I cannot believe she isn't over him yet?!?!?... Amazingly enough, I have experienced true, raw, deep, deep love for another man, and he was that man. Unfortunately, he is the father of my child so I am forced to text, talk, or see him every single day for the rest of my life. That is if he makes the decision to carry on in Luca's life. I have absolutely no trust in anything he says, I go on a daily basis believing what he says by his actions. So far, not so good. I am allowed to talk of him this way. The reason I am aloud is because I know the better him. The best of him. Ryan, not r.a.w, was the best person I have ever met. He is no longer that person. His rebuttal to that would be, "Jenna, you don't know me anymore, how could you possibly know anything about me?" It's very simple, his eyes. His eyes are empty. The have been empty ever since the day he left my and Luca's house. They fill when he sees Luca, but it's only momentarily.
The ironic thing is, so far he has had the upper hand. He is the one who fell out of love and moved on with a new flame. He's the one whom lives the life of independency. He only has to get up one day a week at 6:00 am with his child. Yes he pays my bills, but we all know that's easy enough. I am the one that was left as a single, poor mother. I was left to pick up the eighty- thousand- million- bajillion puzzle pieces and put them back together again. The irony falls in that my eyes are full. They are full of dreams, love, hope and ability. I have the ability to do anything I want to do. The only reason why I have that ability, is because he left.

"Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"