Monday, May 21, 2012

Life: To fast for my liking

I really started noticing the day Luca was born. What?!?!? She's already 2 months? 1 year? 2 years? Oh geez, too fast. Way too fast. Luca was colicky. So, for her first 3 months I wanted life to whiz by. Life was not do-able, life was too hard to handle. Once the colick high tailed it's way out of our house, in hopes of no return in any future baby, life is creeping away FAR too fast. My favorite music is now becoming " the oldies" my hands don't have much youth to them anymore, the thought of "investments" are flashing through my brain. Most of all I have a child.
I am old.
An old hag.
Life is far to precious to have my "dark" days. Dark days are aloud, they just aren't aloud when they are not needed. No time for this. Our days need to be filled with love, warmth and happiness. Not to be filled with doing things I don't want to do, not to be filled with regret, anger or worry.

It is a constant daily struggle for me to live in the present. I think my mind wanders more than the president's in shavasana. "dishes, outfits, babies, worry, worry, worry, men, babies, work, money." Shut the hell up would ya?
 Love your family. Because really. That's all that matters.
Tell those who you love that you love them. Because really. That's all that matters.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

When happiness is real:

I got to the place I am now all on my own. I worked long and hard at this. I worked every second of everyday for 1.5 years. I was sad, mad, depressed, confused, outraged and horrified the whole way through it. I was real and true to myself every single step. I didn't lie to me, or anyone.
For a whole year and a half everyday someone would say, "How are you?" and I would say, "shitty." You?  Deep down in my heart (and in my mom's) we knew someday soon I would be saying "fan.fucking.tastic." You?

It took no-one to help me get to the fan.fucking.tastic that I am tonight, today, and yesterday. It took no trip to Central America, it didn't even take waking up with Luca beside me. It took me. It took honesty. I surrendered to every single godforsaken emotion that came into my body; breathed it in, took a huge gulp, absorbed it into every crevice, and spit it back out twice as hard as it came in.

Now I can honestly say that I am better than I have ever been. I am more real and ready than I have ever been. I have space for someone special. I have dreams, I have goals. I am one of the best people I know.