Tuesday, April 10, 2012

No more ballet bun.

R.a.w. liked my hair the most when I made it look like I was a ballerina.
So everyday till now, especially the dreaded Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday drop off/pick ups I was always a ballerina.

     Not so much anymore. I wore my hair down today and last week without even thinking twice. This to me is a HUGE. DEAL. This means that I, for sure 100%, no questions asked do not love this man anymore.
All this person is to me is a distant memory and a father to my sweet, beautiful baby girl.

     When he buckled Luca in her car-seat today he put a bag of clothes that he had of hers on the floor of my car, gave Luca a smooch and said, "oh her pink pants are in there" when I grabbed the bag and brought it inside I realized it was full of disgusting, rotting, dirty clothes. This made steam blow out of my ears and the words F%C*ING AS**HO%E fly out of my mouth.
 LIKE REALLY? You 8 year old child.
But then I got inside I completely forgot about it, I just let it roll off my shoulders. Something that is literally completely foreign to me.
Six months ago I would have written him either a 20 page text or e-mail  about how much I hated him and couldn't believe he couldn't wash the tupperware or the sandy clothes. "HOW DARE YOU, I LOVED YOU TO DEATH."
Then I would silently remind myself- Uh Jenna? That has nothing to do with the tupperware or the sandy clothes.
Right?
 I am looking at other men, not comparing them, and I don't EVER fall asleep thinking about him or wake up thinking of him anymore. 
Needless to say, I am for real happy and I have for real moved on.
What a total effing relief.
Thrilled, absolutely thrilled.

My angry blog postings and my crying over him will last a lifetime, but the constant dread and horrible feelings that I have been drowning in this past year will never come back.
The question I ask you is- How would I ever even dream of letting someone else into my life that could potentially do this all over again to me?
I couldn't. Or could I?

P.s. I will be seen rocking the "ballet bun." For my reasons. Not his.

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