Monday, March 5, 2012

This. And. That.

I just stubbed my toe so hard i think I broke my leg all the way up to my hip.

Lots to talk about. I am currently enjoying one of my two favorite times of the day. My number one is when Luca wakes up for the day, and my number two is when she goes down for the night. She comes into bed with me always at some point in the night, so we always wake up together. She turns over and says "Simba, tea" because she LOVES simba and I, of course love tea and sleep walk to the kettle every morning. Then at night she goes down in her own bed very easily, we sing songs then I close her door and walk into an empty house. At this time I normally pop in a piece of toast, check my phone, do some texting, then sit on the couch wondering what to do next till I crawl in bed with a good book. I am normally in dreamland by 9:30.
Life has been... hmmmm I guess interesting lately. Luca just kind of goes without saying, amazing, easy, incredibly lovable and well behaved. As far as I go, I really have no idea how I am doing? My feelings for r.a.w. have slowly. PAINFULLY. Slowly. faded into nothing. Just a distant memory. A good memory. Which is nice. I have not cried over him in a long long time which is so undoubtedly amazing. This month is the year anniversary of when he left. So I think it's time to for real move on.
Time and time again he jabs like 8 thousand knives in my back and time and time again I move farther away from loving him and wanting him to come home. Our home is no longer his home, and never will be.
 I had a life "event" happen to me that I will also never forget which left a big gulp in my throat and a knot in my belly. It's really sticking with me and I have no idea why. When I was in Panama someone that was a friend in my life previously e-mailed me simply asking how I was. It really was no big whoop, but when I saw his name in my inbox I couldn't help but to feel the fluttery feelings that I had the first day that I met him. It was like lust at first site. I even remember what I was wearing the day I met him 4 years ago. Like I said his e-mail was JUST him asking how I was doing and nothing more.
I will keep the details to myself, but I just want to write it down and get it out of my system. This person is incredibly special. INCREDIBLY. He has no idea, like at all. At all, at all, at all, at all how special he is. Not in the way that he is special for me, he's just special. I always knew it.
I'm not sitting here saying "I know this guy so well he's for sure the one for me!" I totally don't know him well at all, but I do know myself extremely well, and I do know my intuition.
It turned into something a little bit more in the following weeks, just a little something more. To me it was more than it was for him, unfortunately. I guess I've never felt this strongly that this was maybe meant to be and just isn't?? Which really makes no sense, so it obviously wasn't. It really sucks because I've had this apartment building on my chest for the last year about r.a.w, now I have something caught in my throat 24/7 about him. If he ever read this, I think he would be thinking "What? Really??????????? Jenna????? REALLY?"
Ya really. Really that's how I feel about it. Period.
He's a stupid IDIOT!!!! HAHAHAHA.
I'm not hung up on this, I've completely moved on and stopped looking at my phone hoping for a changed mind. But I still think about it here and there. Can't help but to wonder everything known to man why he "just isn't down." Oh really cause it didn't seem like you were "on a different page."
Phew I feel better after venting that nonsense.
All in all life is so good. Our days are filled with love always.
My Wednesdays are my "day" Luca is at her dad's and my night is completely free. Always. For the
first, well i guess just recently I hated these nights. I hated not being with Luca I hated that I was free to do what I wanted. I hated that I could go out and strangers wouldn't know that I was a mom.
Since I have been home I have fully 100% embraced "my day."
We as moms need to realize that we are just moms, we are not dead. We are living, beautiful, and some of us young women.
On a Wednesday night you may find me doing one or three of the following.

Drinking wine with the girls.
Eating out with the girls.
Doing shots of jameson on Granville street with the girls. (but I doubt it, ever again)
Eating popcorn at the movie theater.
Staying up late.

Some photos of lately.

Luca and Teddy

Trail of clothing from the door to my room last Wednesday

Just catching up on some gos after playing with shoes for an hour

"The boys"

Luca and our favorite boys playing at the beach.

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