Monday, February 27, 2012

To my dearest Kapow:

Kell bells. Kapowski. Bells Pauls. Cutlery girl.

Sometimes we go through these times in life that are so totally not fair, so totally not deserved. These, my friend, are the times that will bring us to be the beautiful, successful, married, strong women that we will be someday.
Love you girl. Without each other we wouldn't be.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Things that make me happy.

Red wine.
Crisp white sheets.
Hanging clothes on the line.
First kiss.
Second kiss.
Third kiss.
Vacuum lines.
Loud music.
Cold beer.
Private emails.
Phone chats.
Toast w/honey, marmalade or nutella.
Power yoga.
Movie theaters.
Pregnant bellies.
Crop tops.
Lace bras.
My momma.
Sunny patio drinks.

And so so much more.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Do you take Mastercard?

This my friends is the sentence I find myself repeating over and over again these days.
But, whatever, life goes on, broke or not broke. I have 26 cents in my bank account and you know what? I'm proud of it. I am proud that I went for lunch, yoga and a latte all on my truly beloved Mastercard today.
Take a break from applying your mascara tomorrow morning, look at yourself in the mirror and say or scream (like I do) 'I LOVE YOU.'
Also pray for me that I make 300+ dollars tonight. All dressed up and ready to get my flirt on.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Our life.

Blogging is interesting. Its like a diary, but you expect people to read it. Weird.

Luca and I live a pretty cool life.
We live in Vancouver, just outside of the city a little bit, in the lower level of an amazing house. Upstairs live some of our best friends whom have a four year old named Jonah. Him and Luca love each other, she always points at the ceiling begging to go up for a play. They are very respectful of our privacy and our quiet life. Luca is in bed by 7:00 so before we moved in I was very hesitant of a crazy boy living above our heads. Followed my heart, moved in and never looked back. During the breakup it was always nice to know that I, at any hour of the day, had someone to talk to with a fresh buttery bowl of popcorn. We share babysitting duties, which by far is the best thing EVER. Tomorrow Jonah is coming down to be our valentine for the night. We will probably watch a movie, have a cuddle and eat junk food.
We have been keeping ourselves very busy since our arrival home. The dread, sadness and horribleness doesn't really go away when we are out and about, but it fades a bit.
D.B.J, the hunk in our life. Unfortunately this person is a man who likes men. Otherwise we would have been happily ever after 12 years ago. For the better though, as our fights are worse than than the war in Iraq.
He loves Luca like she is his own. He is on a strict mission to find the love of his life so he can follow his dream to be a biological father. I pass him strength, encouragement and DUDE IT IS NOT WHAT IT'S LIKE. To find this person. I hope he finds what he's looking for. Of course not before me, that would just not be a good situation. Hopefully we will find it at the same place and same time.
This week is an absolutely terrible week. A week full of wonder, anger, ANGER, ANGER, dread, sadness, anxiety, and basically any bad word you could ever possibly think of. It's weird I am sitting here typing and the only word I can seem to come up with is anger.  How terrible is that? Gross. I am constantly feeling like I am living my life underwater. Sometimes, I float to the top and catch a big breath, but usually the air only lasts a few minutes.

As r.a.w. is sitting on the beach in Cancun with his "love" I sit here thinking and wondering and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking.
These are the things I know about myself and this is why I know that I will be sitting on the beach with my true love sooner rather than later.
I am a lover, I have nothing but honesty in my soul, I am a mother, I am beautiful, I am fucking smart, I have the courage of a lion, loyalty of an Afghani.
A few things about me I thought you should know.

Is he "his one" maybe, just maybe.

My future popcornaholic just like mommy

d.b.j. thinks the white eyes are a sign of a good spirit.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

How am I doing you ask?

Not so well.
As expected, the sadness came flooding in probably around the fourth day of being home. Its just like bringing a new baby into the world, the first four days are out of this world, you feel as if you are walking on air with the new little replica of you. That's the closest thing I can compare my feelings to. The first four days, I was getting stares from strangers because of my insanely amazing tan, my friends all came over to hear my story, told Luca and I how cool we on and so forth. Then the fifth day hit and no one really cared much, I don't even think my phone rang. The lingering love and pain slowly crept back in to say hello.
Luca's birthday party was great, r.a.w. pulled through to be the amazing father he is. Two friends in particular called that night to say "I felt like any second he was just going to go in for a kiss, tell you he made a mistake, get on his hands and knees with a giant diamond and ask you to be his forever."
Ya, I know girls, that's how I feel every single second that I see him.  Seeing him being the key word. When I was away I didn't see him, so that what was tricking me into thinking I was o.k. I think. Who knows. All I do know is I WILL BE OK one day.
I will keep the specifics of her birthday day to myself, but the beginning half the three of us had a great day at the petting zoo. Later that day, the details go into my private emotional vault.

Sunday, February 5, 2012


Home safe.
It was a crazy journey home but we finally made it.
We flew on a very bumpy, death defying plane trip from Bocas Del Toro to Panama city on Wednesday morning. It is a very metropolitan city, so it was a shocker to the both of us. We took full advantage and had Wendy's for lunch and subway for dinner mmmm yum it was delicious.
Spent the night in a beautiful hotel, and started our 20 hour journey home on Thursday. The layover was brutal, I accidentally had two beers which put me right over the edge of tiredness and fuzziness. All of the sudden the airport went from busy and stressful to fun and airy. When you travel with a child and are that dehydrated 2 beers is like 10. Ezra and Morgan took a picture of our plane from our cool!

Luca and r.a.w's reunion was enough to bring anyone to tears, she was SOOOO excited to see him.
As was I.
It's a new feeling that I have, a new set of emotions. I am no longer angry, I no longer have any hatred towards him. That being said, I do still love him, and I do still wish things were different. Do I wish we were laying on the couch with a bowl of popcorn discussing how crazy it is that our baby is two. Absolutely. But that is not how it is and I am o.k. with it.
 These last few days with him being around from morning till night haven't been easy, but they have been good. Nice and blissful. I've really enjoyed this villian-ess character back in our lives. Back in Luca's life.
I am by far the most tired person on the face of the planet.

Our baby is almost two. Some photos from her party today.