Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The jist of it.

I just lied in bed for 12 minutes with sentences running through my head over and over again like a LA freeway.
I will relay these broken, nonsense sentences to you. Insert thank you to box-o-wine now.

Imagine this. You go from relationship to relationshit (that was a typo but it totally works) and nothing turns out. It works out for the other half but never for me. Not even close. Finally after lots of begging and pleading I finally find my man and nail him down for the long run.
 "The one."  The only time I have ever loved more than being loved.

You fall so madly in love it's like a drug, a drug that doesn't ever go away when you have found him.
You share your dreams, your secrets, your ambitions, your ooopsies I farted stories. He cleans your puke off the floor for 9 months while you carry his baby. It's you, him and your baby now, and nothing else in the whole wide world matters. Nothing.
Then boom bang boom it's all gone. Literally shattered in your face.
What do you do? Cry in your bed in the dark listening to "yellow" by coldplay?" of course!! Oh but wait you have a precious child to mind, to pretend nothing is wrong. That sweet potato can't go uncooked. I can't call in sick for work, he left his "soul mate" in the dust how could I trust him to pay the bills right?
As it turns out he does pay the bills and he does love Luca.
However, he does not love me anymore and  nothing on gods green earth is going to change that. Nothing. I tried. Trust me.
The anger, the hatred I have for raw is absolutely unimaginable to someone who has never experienced this.
Hard part: pretending none of this exhists to my sweet sweet Luca. We have gone through so much together in this little precious time span of her life you can imagine how much energy she can feel from me. It's remarkable really. Even simple acts such as putting her to sleep. Sometimes I just want her to go into dreamland so so so bad. I lay there beside her while she wiggles, and tosses and turns. The whole time I am so angry inside my head. UGHHHHHH go TO SLEEP I NEED WINE. NOW.
After an hour of this I finally give up on my anger and breath. The second I do that is the second she sleeps. It's just that simple.
I have to forgive raw in order for her to love him the best she can.
 If I can stop eating cheese for 2 years while breastfeeding my colicky baby I can do anything.
Which is why this day, I have decided to forgive him. I truly hope he is happy with whom he is with, I hope whoever she is she is amazing. I hope she loves him even more than did, and I hope she loves  Luca. Holy shit that was so hard for me to say.
Everytime I do yoga I dedicate it to him. Every posture, I push for him. I smile for him even.
I have peace in knowing that I am a beautiful person, a world class mother, I have been honest through this whole process, in return I will meet someone that will give me more babies and all the love I could ever ask for.
I am so much stronger than I ever knew was possible,
Thank you Costa Rica. Thank you Panama. Thank you Luca. Thank you Ryan. Thank you me.

3 comments:

  1. jen.. it is so hard to read your posts without bawling my eyes out.. i get it, through everything, i think all that matters is you and the love you have for your child, it will get you through anything. you're amazing and i hope when you get back that you still feel the peace that you are feeling now..
    love you

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  2. Jenna, u r a beautiful person inside & out and don't let anyone one take that away from u. I'm sorry that it didn't work out with u two. But I strongly believe u will meet the right man who will treat u like gold that u so deserve. I'm so proud of u 4 being a strong person. Luca is lucky to have u as her mom. Be safe and see u to when u return. I have Luca's Xmas present. Chow 4 now. Lisa & family.

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