Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Home is where the heart is.

Two more sleeps and I will be in my own bed. Luca in her crib.
Am I excited? Am I depressed? Am I nervous?
Yes excited, no, not depressed, and yes very nervous. I guess little depressed because I haven't seen the sun in about 5 days, so ya depressed too. Nervous that the second I see r.a.w. all the treacherous pain staking feelings will come back. Scared that the peace that I found here was maybe just temporary.

I wanted to bathe in the sun my last week, work on my tan lines and Lucas bleachy hair. Instead we have sung itsy bitsy spider, skinamarinkedinkedink, twinkle twinkle little star, found a peanut, and i love you, you love me ..... about six hundred and seventy five thousand times over the last week. In the POURING down rain. I even played a game where we stacked books on my feet, put giraffy on the books and I attempted to balance them with my feet turned towards the sky for a good two hours every day. hmmmm what else? We baked a cake, I read the kite runner aloud to Luca, which I'm sure she found thrilling. She sat on my back and I pretended I was a horse crawling around the house. You name it we did it. Counting down the minutes till Ezra and Morgan returned from a 4 day trip to Boquette, and what do you know I get an e-mail saying they are coming a day late due to a shuttle mishap.
You see this wouldn't be a deal whatsoever at home, rainy, boring days. Because we have toys, (very few), movies and friends. Here we have nothing, just a house on stilts over the water and an impossible muddy village to walk through haulting us from going to town.
Mud in this country is unbelievable. Since when does mud stop you from doing what you want to do? Since I  experienced it in Costa Rica and Panama.
Yesterday we managed the village, Luca in one arm my shoes sticking in the mud and almost wiping out every 2 seconds. The one dollar taxi ride dropped us in the middle of town, as we got out (no idea why we came to town) a rusty, semi homeless looking man looked at us and said. "husband?" me: "uh, no") "where you live?", he says. Ok buddy are you effing kidding me? Do you actually think I am going to tell you that I am living in a house by myself with no phone, no weapons, in the middle of nowhere with no escape route? You've got to be kidding me.
If you weren't one step away from looking like a jailed, homeless bum then maybe I would have given you the address and directions.
So yes I am looking forward to not being mentally molested on the side of the street with my two year old. I am looking forward to making money again. No not looking forward to working for it. Excited to hear Jonah's footsteps on my head in the morning.
Mostly I am counting down the minutes to my squirrely bread and cream for my tea.
My car is parked right where I left it, my alarm set right where I set it. I can't wait to come home to an un-touched sparkly clean home.
Home is definitely where our hearts are. We can't wait!
We are down an ipod, mini dvd player, our two favorite make-believe people, tika and dada, almost all our clothes are wrecked. Empty bottle of sunscreen. We are up a library full of pictures, two brains full of life changing memories and a bond between a mother and daughter that can only be found on a trip such as this one.
Here's some pictures of our last couple weeks.

Favorite rainy day passtime. Playing in the sink.

Right before we said bye bye to the soo sooz.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The jist of it.

I just lied in bed for 12 minutes with sentences running through my head over and over again like a LA freeway.
I will relay these broken, nonsense sentences to you. Insert thank you to box-o-wine now.

Imagine this. You go from relationship to relationshit (that was a typo but it totally works) and nothing turns out. It works out for the other half but never for me. Not even close. Finally after lots of begging and pleading I finally find my man and nail him down for the long run.
 "The one."  The only time I have ever loved more than being loved.

You fall so madly in love it's like a drug, a drug that doesn't ever go away when you have found him.
You share your dreams, your secrets, your ambitions, your ooopsies I farted stories. He cleans your puke off the floor for 9 months while you carry his baby. It's you, him and your baby now, and nothing else in the whole wide world matters. Nothing.
Then boom bang boom it's all gone. Literally shattered in your face.
What do you do? Cry in your bed in the dark listening to "yellow" by coldplay?" of course!! Oh but wait you have a precious child to mind, to pretend nothing is wrong. That sweet potato can't go uncooked. I can't call in sick for work, he left his "soul mate" in the dust how could I trust him to pay the bills right?
As it turns out he does pay the bills and he does love Luca.
However, he does not love me anymore and  nothing on gods green earth is going to change that. Nothing. I tried. Trust me.
The anger, the hatred I have for raw is absolutely unimaginable to someone who has never experienced this.
Hard part: pretending none of this exhists to my sweet sweet Luca. We have gone through so much together in this little precious time span of her life you can imagine how much energy she can feel from me. It's remarkable really. Even simple acts such as putting her to sleep. Sometimes I just want her to go into dreamland so so so bad. I lay there beside her while she wiggles, and tosses and turns. The whole time I am so angry inside my head. UGHHHHHH go TO SLEEP I NEED WINE. NOW.
After an hour of this I finally give up on my anger and breath. The second I do that is the second she sleeps. It's just that simple.
I have to forgive raw in order for her to love him the best she can.
 If I can stop eating cheese for 2 years while breastfeeding my colicky baby I can do anything.
Which is why this day, I have decided to forgive him. I truly hope he is happy with whom he is with, I hope whoever she is she is amazing. I hope she loves him even more than did, and I hope she loves  Luca. Holy shit that was so hard for me to say.
Everytime I do yoga I dedicate it to him. Every posture, I push for him. I smile for him even.
I have peace in knowing that I am a beautiful person, a world class mother, I have been honest through this whole process, in return I will meet someone that will give me more babies and all the love I could ever ask for.
I am so much stronger than I ever knew was possible,
Thank you Costa Rica. Thank you Panama. Thank you Luca. Thank you Ryan. Thank you me.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Oh how I've missed you friends.
The Caribbean was excellent. I felt at home there. The rastas ,the smell of sweet sweet chiba lingering around the dust filled streets...the food was spicy, the boys were chocolaty. The morning after our  expensive hotel sleepover I had talked myself into staying the week there. I convinced myself, Jenna it's safe, clean, white crispy towels, CABLE, hot water, Canadian owners. It's funny how fast I can talk myself into something. I end up thinking, geez you would be crazy do do anything but! I bartered the owner to get a kitchen for $35 bucks a night, feeling sick to my stomach on the deal I made. (sounds cheap but not when I was told I could find a great spot for 15) we went for a walk and I had a feeling about this little bungalow I saw on the beach so I walked up to a Rastafarian lady hand washing her clothing. "Hola, habla english" first thing I say to everyone always. si si. She says, ok if you habla english you would be saying yes yes! So I eventually got across that I wanted to stay for a week, how much, and could I see a room. The room was basic, clean, and had a shared kitchen. $20 bucks a night. Sold. Hiked back to our "resort" packed our life in a matter of 4 minutes stuck Luca in the stroller made her hold a loaf of bread, jug of milk, and one other thing I can't remember while we checked out and walked down the street. Everyone ALWAYS stares at us. This bag, this child, and me. It looks odd. Where's the husband and why are you stuck carrying everything?!?!?!? Trying to get down this driveway was interesting...so many big rocks that the little 5 dollar strollers wheels got stuck on. It was so hot and I was so done. On one of the rocks I got so frustrated I pushed it really hard in anger and luca, the bread, milk and other item came so so so close to catapulting out. I played it off to Luca like I was playing a game because I felt like it was an act of child abuse.
The time was nice in Puerto Viejo, on our last night we went for all you can eat sushi with two girls we had met, stopped by the bakery on the way home and had a huge piece of chocolate cake. The bakery was closed so we all ate it in the rain on the side of the street.
Speaking of rain. For the time we were there we rented a bike, on our third day I decided we would get up early and take the trek to punta uva. A exotic beach about one hour ride north of p.v. The ride there was divine, the waves were crashing into the street, the surfers were out in full force. Luca loved the ride. Arrived at the beach played for a bit and it started to rain. I knew what this could turn into so we got on the bike and started riding back. This turned into the worst hour of my life. When I say rain I mean sideways, monsoon, you can't see anything, you think the world is ending rain. Riding with your naked child on the back of your bike for an hour equals a complete and udder nightmare. I don't even have to explain this because you can never imagine how horrible it was. I was like the wicked witch of the west trying to get my child to safety. It was insane. She screamed bloody blue murder the whole entire way. WHOLE entire way. By the time we got home I just held her for 20 minuted rocking her apologizing. I felt so sorry.
Tuesday morning got picked up by our shuttle at 8 am and headed for Panama. I was told the shuttle would take us to the border, we would get out with our bags walk across a bridge, and we would be in Panama. Also through immigration of course. Sure enough we pulled up to the so called bridge got out and I attempted to walk across a a huge "bridge" of broken up uneven wooden slats for 15 minutes. Once again I commited  child abuse getting the wheels over the rocks game with Luca. Nothing to gripe about it was easy till this point. I peered down the bride and saw a huge line of people waiting to get into the country. A by passer said it was a three hour wait. My legs started shaking and my life flashed before my eyes. How could I possibly wait for 3 hours in 35 degree weather with a 2 year old at the border of Panama and Costa Rica with men in army suits and guns all around me?!?!?!? I waited for about 20 minutes and the line did not move one single inch. A man that was in my shuttle said to me "you can't wait in this, your baby cannot wait in this, something has to be done" Lucy a lovely Canadian woman that I had also met that day walked to the armed army man and said something in Spanish that made him take Luca and my passports and walk into Panama with them. Without us. Again shitting my pants, I waited calmly for his return. Sure enough he came back, waved me and all my shuttle friends to budge the line, stamped our passports and lead us to our car. Once again Luca saved the day. Everyone was high fiving her, sharing their snacks, telling her how pretty she was. It was brilliant.
We took a boat to Bocas Del Toro where raw's
  We have no long bus rides, no agonizing border crossings, no nothing. We are here in a safe place with our friends from home. Luca loves her uncle Ezra, she rather play with him than me which is a nice relief.

I have been reading a really intense book on psychology, to love then lose blah blah blah.
 I like it but it's really exhausting on my already exhausted brain.
I just started Are you There Vodka? It's Me Chelsea. So hilarious, I'm really enjoying it. If you are easily offended it isn't the book for you. But for someone like me who who doesn't know the definition of offend it's the perfect holiday read.


Friday, January 13, 2012

Ya mon

Holy fuck where do I start.
We left drake bay at 7:00 am on Wednesday? ( I just had to think about what day it was for 20 minutes, jeleous??) so ya two days ago we hopped on the boat, which was so bizarre, it picked Luca, I and a godsent (get into it later) couple up from the beach in front of our cabinas, then drove back and forth not in the correct direction to pick up other people from other hotels. Everytime we picked up someone new he backed in the boat to the shore and they hopped on, but seriously we were all 100 meters from each other, why didn't we all meet in one spot? On one of the times we backed the boat into the beach picked up peoples bags ONLY THE BAGS not the people, started the engine went and picked up the neighbors then came back and picked up the bagless people. All the while I was almost puking my guts out from the rocking of the boat. ugh. So anyways the couple that was staying in the same place as us had offered a ride to the bus station in the closest town to sierpe. Obviously I took it, a free ride? Duh. They were vacationing from California, Ryan and Julia. He was super hot. Californian surfer dude. I needed to hit up the bank as I was down to 4 dollars. Went to the bus station first, Ryan spoke spanish and was more than willing to to everything for me so again i took him up on the help. The only bus available was the mountain bus that took 2 extra hours than the coastal bus. It was our only option though because the next coastal left at 6 pm which got us to scary San Jose in the middle of the night. I wanted to book the bus ticket before we headed to the bank to secure a spot but they didn't take credit so we took off the the bank broken atm. Went in the bank, didn't understand what my canadian debit was so wouldn't give me any money. Luca tired. Me scared. Thank god thank god Ryan and Julia were still hangin to help. Drove to another bank. Everytime I put my debit card in the machine it would cancel the transaction straight away. In my head I am thinking holy fuck, I have 4 dollars, no bank is giving me any money and this couple that offered me a quick ride wants to kill thereselves. So I go into the bank. p.s theirs like 5 security gaurds with guns outside the bank at all times, I flash them my card and for some reason they took me to the front of the 12 person line. (uh thanks) I know that the teller isnt going to speak a word of english I looked through the line to see if I had any hopefulls and what do you know a man I had met earlier that week who helped me order my ice cream was waving at me. So he came up to the teller explained what I needed and it was perfect or so I thought. The nice banker man took my passport and card and went to get me money. Seriously not joking you he came back 23 minutes later with no money. "sorry no expiry date, can't give you money" meanwhile Luca is laying with her face on the bank floor because it was so hot she needed the tile floor to cool down. I grab her cringing whilst walking towards the car to tell them I am a hopeless poor non spanish speaking loser and how can they help. Low and be hold R&J bought us a bus ticket and gave us spending money for the days trip. Thanks guys I heart you.
Bus ride was painfull and long. Luca was amazing though. We ate so much junk food my stomach still hurts.
San Jose. Taxi driver took us straight away to a bank, easy squeezy lemon peezy got out $400 bones and went to the hotel. Nothing much to report on that. Got up this morning and headed to the bus terminal to come to Puerto Viejo de talamaca. Once again it's Luca my 800939048 pound bag alone in a place where I have no idea what's going on and no one speaks my language. I found the ticket place was waiting in line and I heard, Jenna???? I turned around to see a keener Dutchman that I had met along our travels. Straight away he grabbed my horrifying bag while I spoke my best Spanish and got us a ticket for the next departure.  I trusted this man with my one and only while I went pee and got some fruit for the long haul. He sat behind us, played cars with Luca unraveled my god forsaken ipod cord and even shared his food with us. What a lovely gent he was. He got off at the little town before our stop..

Hunter insisted on taking us for a swim so we went right along. Soon to follow a romantic dinner for 3 and a sunset beer on the beach. Sketchy you may ask? Well yes and no. Once again I have a good feeling in my heart about him and so did Luca. I have two double locks on my door and I know for a fact if I scream in the night my neighbors will hear me because I felt like I was just inside the orgasm she just had. Literally I could here everything. Bitch.
I hope to not see hunter again even though he was really nice, but I really have no interest in having a local tag along. No thanks, talk to you never.
We will probably be here for 5 or 6 nights then off to Bocas Del Toro, Panama.
I am so tired.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Drake bay

Serenity at it's best. After an easy bus ride we arrived in sierpe, I was told to go to Las Vegas restaurant to book a boat to Drake Bay. It was bustling with people looking to do the same. Somehow I got on the first boat out of there which was 11:30. We were a hour early so we got a few cold coconuts to re hydrate and walked to the grocery store (a nice man watched our bags) I of course carried my new amazing backpack with our passports and money. At the grocery store I stocked up on my box-o wine Luca's snacks and we were set to go. Hopped on the boat, it was SOOOOO hot I was sweating up a storm so was Luca. Happy to get on the boat for some breeze. It was an amazing ride through trees, crazy vines, local shacks on the side of the river. Luca drifted in and out of sleep the whole time from the lull of the motor.
We arrived at the shore and a man from our cabinas picked up our bags put them on the back of his quad and we hiked up to our new home. Its so beautiful here. Very quiet family owned place. All the guests have breakfast, lunch and dinner at a big commune table. I love it. The main reason I love it so much is because I am the reining crib champion. It's a big position to hold and I hope I keep it throughout the trip. We hired a boat with a lovely couple we met on our second day and went to a deserted beach, they played frisbee and Luca and I did what we do best sit on the shore and fill our bathing suit bottoms up with sand. The last few days we have done absolutely nothing but walk the beach to town to get an ice cream cone. Time to check out tomorrow head to the big city for an overnight then to the Caribbean for some white sand, rastas and spice. Then Panama. We've been here for a month and I'm not missing home anymore, but I still feel weird at 4:00 not sure why that happens.Some pictures from drakes.

View from our cabina

Monday, January 9, 2012

True Love

My mom always always said to me, no Jen I don't love your dad like I love you and Ty. You love your kids differently and more truly than anyone else ever. I just never understood it. I remember saying really, it's dad, isn't it the same???! She would always say, "you'll understand when you have kids." It's like that day with the subway sandwich, I truly wanted Luca to eat the whole thing even though I was dying passing wanting to kill myself hANGRY. I wanted her to be full and in that I felt full. I remember feeling this "I'll give you my sandwich feeling" with Ryan, I hope I feel that again.  
       I wear a life jacket on a row boat in case I need to save her, I pick up her poo with my bare hands, I rock her to sleep if it takes me 4 hours and a broken arm, I pushed her out my vagina with no drugs  for Christ sakes. We mommas do things that are unimaginable for the non parent. I don't want to sound like one of those people "no no you don't know what its like if you don't have a child" but I'm sorry you don't. This love is like no other love I need, will ever receive or will ever give.  Luca is my one and only for now and I am starting to feel really ok about it. I know I have been blogging about some sticky situations we have been in on our travels. But I would never put her in harms way. Not even close. This experience is going to mold her into a beautiful  human being. She is so trusting of me which will make her into a trusting strong woman. Every wave that slams into her and knocks her over I am always there to swipe her up and help her get the water out of her nose.
Bragging over. Thanks.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Adios Dominical

Luca is currently on my lap pressing buttons so it is making it extremely difficult to post. Make it short and sweet. We are heading out on the first bus to town then to the Osa. It's been an amazing, humble nice time in Dominical, but it's time to move on. To a place where no one knows our names. Luca's exhausted because we went out last night. Thought I lost my wallet till five minutes ago so i didn't get a wink. Should be fun taking 60 buses and a boat down a river for 2 hours.
bye bye internet.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


Day before yesterday we hiked down our driveway and was going to hitch a ride into dominical and hang at the beach for the day but the family that picked us up were headed to Manual Antonio so we went along with them. About a 45 minute drive from our house to a small beachy town. Beaches strung with tourists and high priced umbrella rentals. Felt like San Diego. We made a pit stop at the grocery store before settling into the beach bought an ice cold bottle of beer, some oatmeal cookies and a banana for Luca. I rented a char and an umbrella so Luca could have a nice snooze while I got in some tanning and book reading time. Worked out well the couple beside us was from the states and for sure not baby stealer's so they watched her sleep while I had a few cooling off dips. Was a lovely day. Before we headed out I decided to splurge on a backpack I had my eye on for hours. I lovvvvvvveeeeee it. Cost 50 bucks but I'll have it forever. Caught the bus back to Quepos where the bigger terminal is to catch another bus to dominical. We had a half hour to spare so we popped into Subway (hesitantly because of the price of a sandwich there) but I just really wanted air conditioning and a taste from home. Got and a cold diet coke a six inch meaty sub and a bag of baked lays. Gave the tica who spoke not one word of English my colones (cr money) and she handed me back the exact same amount i gave her but in smaller change?? In this situation at home I wouldn't hesitate and correct the mistake. But for some reason I counted it in my head and hightailed outta there. You gotta take what you can get sometimes I guess. My karma bit me back instantly when Luca ate my whole sandwich and half the bag of chips. Oh well. FYI a really good way to get skinny is to have a baby, breastfeed for 2 years, go backpacking in a country that is one million degrees on a budget, buy a limited amount of food and feed it all to your baby. Wam Bam thank you mam.
Yesterday we hitched into town again (took 1.5 hours for a ride) Like really? I'm standing on the side of the road with my baby in my bathing suit do i look like a killer? Finally "Pedro" picked us up in his little cherry red Toyota corolla. I knew this car was a winner when I heard Mariah Carey "touch my body" blasting from a mile away. Sure thing pedro stopped picked us up and got us to our destination safely. All while singing "tuuuch ma boday ya in the floor yes gimme mor." amazing. We went to a pool for the day felt like we were in a hawaiian resort was blissful. I used phone at the hotel to book our next stop. Bahia Drake on the Osa peninsula. We take 2 buses from here get all our supplies in a town called seirpe then take a 2 hour boat ride to Drakes bay. "The magic lies in it's intense beauty where monkeys drip off mango trees and waves crash onto jungle coast"  No electricity, no nothing. Everything is powered by solar energy. The place we are staying supplies 3 meals a day, so I don't even have to cook! ahhhhhhhhh. I will be writing in my journal and blogging when I come back to reality on the 15th.